More shit. Friday we ordered a free pizza from Papa John's, and I ended up sitting on a piece of pizza, burning my butt, and then when I tried to get up, I hit my head on my treadmill next to my lazy boy chair. And today, I've been sick, nauseated, lying in bed with the kids most of the day. I usually don't hate my life so much, but right now I'm really hating this shit. I used to believe in karma, but now I don't know. I have been a better person, really trying to take care of my kids, my husband and myself more. The more I clean up the house, the more shit happens. Our appartment has always been a little cluttered, a little messy, and now I'm trying to turn it around, a little at a time, and it seems like the more I do, the worse I feel. I've shed so many tears over the last 7 days. The only thing that keeps me hanging on is my kids, and I'm going to be seeing my mom and sister this weekend. We're going to do a little shopping and go to the movies. I want to clean up the house and impress her. I want to live a better life. I want a better life for my kids. I don't want them to think this is acceptable. I don't want to be embarrassed to have people over.

We've been fighting a lot, as well. He wants to buy a $200 tv, but I don't think we can afford it. We've had a hard year. We've gone weeks without milk, bread, fruit, or toilet paper, as embarrassing as that is to admit. If we can't have the necessities every week, we don't need a new tv. We have a tv that works. We don't need a new one. He said "We're getting a new tv. Just accept it." We need snow pants for me and the kids. Owen needs a new coat. All of the kids need snow boots. We need mittens for them, too. We also need to get the newest van fixed. My parents gave us the other van they had, the van I had called "my van," the red van. It has two sliding doors, as apposed to the blue van we have been using, the first van they gave us. Well, the battery system doesn't work. It's probably the alternator, but we need to get it fixed. We don't need a new tv, we need the red van working. We also need to buy the kids some new clothes. Owen has only a couple of pants that fit, and about half the girls' pants don't fit them, either. I need shampoo and conditioner, and I want to get some more fabric and thread to make some things for the kids, clothes and things. I also want to alter some of the kids' clothes so they fit again.

Also, there was some confusion with our food stamp benefits, or EBT, and our benefits for the month of Novemember were already given to us, on the 1st and 2nd. When we got those, we thought we had to use them before the 9th, which is normally when our benefits come in. Usually, if you don't use your benefits before the time they're supposed to come in, you lose them. They don't roll over. So when we got the balance on the 1st and 2nd, we thought we had to use it before the 9th or lose it. So when the 9th came and our benefits didn't we were confused. I called the office and the lady there s aid that we'd already gotten the November benefits. So now we have no food money until December 9th. So we're not going to have much food until then.

Every time I told him I didn't think we could afford the tv, he said we could afford it this month because we have EBT. Well, we don't have any more this month. So now more than ever I think we can't afford it. But he'll be insistent, I'm sure. It scares me. When we were "talking" about it (and I use that term loosely), he was getting madder and madder. He's decided that we're spending the money no matter what. I told him we have to get all the snow gear and fabric and stuff before we can get the tv, to see if we can even afford it. In the past, he's yelled at me for trying to buy too much stuff, for trying to spend too much money, for trying to go over our means. Now I'm the one who's trying to be practical, and he's yelling at me for this, as well. I can't fucking win.

5:05 P.M. - 11.14.11