A few years ago I saw a movie called My Life Without Me. I don't remember most of it, but the gist of it is that a 30-something mother finds out that she's got terminal cancer or something. She starts making plans for her family to live without her.

At the time, I thought the premise of the movie was absurd. Why didn't she just talk to her husband about her diagnosis? Why did she make all these stupid plans behind his back? Who plans their lifeet without them?

The plot of this film is starting to make a lot more sense to me. I know I'm going to die young. I just want to see my kids grow up, and spend as much time with my family as possible. I don't know if I'm going to se my 40th birthday. My blood sugars have been better as of late, but it just feels like a matter of time before it kills me.

Later today I'm going to see my Primary Care Provider (pcp) and get my a1c checked and hopefully my thyroid and maybe some other tests as well. My libido has been practically non-existent, and I don't know if it's because of my diet, my birth control (depo shot), just in my head, or possibly my thyroid. I know other type 1s end up dealing with other medical issues, autoimmune disorders, thyroid issues and mental illness. Some answers would be great. I tried to talk to Chuck about it, telling him I felt no sexual desire and I could probably go the rest of my life without having sex, but he doesn't seem to get it. He keeps saying "You want to?" And I keep saying, "We talked about this. No, I don't want to. But I wish I did."

The more things I try to do the less gets done. Trying to do lessons with the kids, now including Quincy sometimes, housework, taking care of myself, there just aren't enough hours in the day.

Making meals for the kids and separate meals for me really isn't fun. But I can't eat what they eat, and they don't want to eat what I like. I'm doing much better on my "diet" and I'm figuring out a ton. I have to take insulin for everything I eat, and most drinks, too, dispute them haVing little to no "carbs." Like meats, for example, I have to bolus so much for meats, I may as well be eating carbs. Two bratwurst is 30 grams, same a two slices of bread. If I don't bolus for meats and cheeses and nuts and all those other foods that are supposed to be low in carbs, my blood sugar goes up and I have to take insulin to correct it. It's a lot to work with. I'm going to see my diabetic educator next week and I'm hoping she'll have some insight for me. The only problem is, this low-carb way of eating isn't recommended by most health care professionals. If she doesn't know anything about it, she can't really give me good advice. But she did mention that I could be a candidate for the newest insulin pump. This pump works with a special sensor and automatically adjusts insulin doses based on blood sugars. That sounds amazing. Right now, I'm checking my blood sugar 4-10 times a day. With a continuous glucose monitor, I wouldn't have to do so many finger pokes. It would be much better. My current pump's warranty expires in September and that's when I'd be eligible for the new one. Or, at least a new one. The pump rep said not everyone qualifies for the newest one. I could end up getting a newer one, not the best one. But I'll just have to wait and see what my diabetic educator says and what is going on in September.

Better quality of life would be great.

2:34 P.M. - 05.02.17