oof

I feel so sad. I want to say its sudden, but it's not. I've been feeling worse over the last 2 weeks. I spend the first 4 months of the pandemic just enjoying being home. I didn't have to GM and that pressure was off. I didn't have to show up to things and I like that. I played a ton of Minecraft. Now I don't even want to do that. I miss going out. I feel so trapped. I know that I'm not physically locked in my house but that is how I feel. I miss going on my pokewalks. I miss taking the kids to the park, the library, the museum. I miss talking to other adults. I want to leave the house but I'm so scared too. I can't afford to get sick. I know if I get covid I will die. I have gained 15 pounds just from not leaving the house nor walking anywhere. I think it's also increasing my insulin resistance. My bg is just constantly high; I can't get it to come down. The only thing I really look forward to is the weekend when we go on our day trips and camping trips. Everything is opening up but I know that's based on a lie. Covid is not dying down or dissipating; really it's ramping up. I'm going to be stuck inside the house for the rest of the year. My best friend Kevin is also mad at me. He's suicidal in that he drives recklessly and doesn't wear a mask, and yet he's grumpy and upset that he can't see me. He's been exposed to everyone who went into the shop where he works and he wonders why I won't see him? Then he invites me to a game night at his place and gets mad when I say no. I tell him that hurt my feelings; like he doesn't care that I'm quarantined and trying to stay safe. And he says my feelings are on me, like WTF? How many times did I stroke his feelings and comfort him? How many times did I have to hold his hand and reassure him we were still friends? And he doesn't care at all about me. Everything sucks

12:34 P.M. - 07.27.20